


After Comes The Dawn

by YumeArashi



Category: Fushigi Yuugi
Genre: Aftermath, Canonical Character Death, Child Death, Dark, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-25 20:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeArashi/pseuds/YumeArashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suboshi’s thoughts after his encounter with Tamahome's family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After Comes The Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> Very dark! Spoilers up to episode 27, multiple character death including children

I look around the room, trying to make sense out of the scene that surrounds me. My weapon is covered with blood and the family lies motionless, but I can't have killed them. This wasn't me. It can't have been, Aniki would never let me do something like this. He'd be horrified. But Aniki's gone now. It's amazing how often I forget that. You wouldn't think I'd be able to; how can I forget the absence of my other half? Somehow, I still do. Every morning it's a shock when he's not there. Every time I turn around I expect to see him. But whether that's wishful thinking or denial it's hard to say.

I can't believe I'm this calm. I just killed four little children and their father, for Seiryuu's sake! I think I'm in shock. I'll be sick if I stay, so I go outside, to wait for the Suzakus on top of a neighbor's roof.

Why didn't you stop me, Aniki? How could you let me do this? I'll never be able to face you again, after what I've just done. The brother you knew is gone; there's only a monster left, now. Can you ever understand what I've done? No, that's not the right question. Of course you'll understand it - you're my twin brother, you've always understood everything about me, better than I have myself. The real question is, can you forgive me for it?

I wish you hadn't gone away. And deep down, where I'll never admit it to anyone but myself, I resent you for it. How could you leave me here? You were all I had, and you promised we'd always be together. But you left me anyhow and now I'm a monster because of it.

No, that's unfair. Just one more thing for you to forgive, I guess. This wasn't your fault. Nakago used both of us. He says he didn't expect you to die, and maybe he didn't, but that doesn't mean he gave a damn when you did. And afterwards he took advantage of my pain and anger to make me into a murderer. He turned your death to his advantage, twisted my love for you to suit his own sick ends. I'll never forgive him for that, any more than I'll ever forgive myself for this.

How did it come to this, Aniki? Was it only a little while ago that you and I were just another couple of kids? When what we wanted most was a family, when we worried about finding a place to stay instead of surviving a god-sent mission? It's still a matter of life and death for me; it's just that now I have it backwards. All I want now is to die, to be with you again. Even if I can't look you in the face anymore.

I hear voices coming up the road and peek over the rooftop. Two seishi, along with Suzaku no Miko. I can't help feeling sorry for Tamahome, and I'm glad of it - maybe there's some shred of me that's human yet. Any minute now they'll see what I've done. I dry my tears, knowing I'll have to play the part carefully. Aniki said they were kind; however remote the likelihood, I can't allow the chance they'll take pity on me. If I boast and threaten them, if I'm the cold-blooded, remorseless murderer that Nakago wanted me to be, I'll be killed without a second thought.

I smile through my pain.

Aniki, I'm coming.


End file.
